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Tsukika
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Name: Jordan Anne
Location: Key West, Florida, United States
Birthday: 10/23/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: My interests are.... Andrew and his penis!! Thats pretty much it. Some of you might find that pathetic but when you find someone like i found someone, you'll understand. I just love him so damn much!
Expertise: My expertise is loving Andrew like no one will ever do.... being a best friend... and listening to people's problems. I also am pretty good at taking pictures.
Occupation: Unemployed/Between Jobs
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Sushilove1023
MSN: Sushilove1023
Member Since:
1/25/2005
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| Well, he knows how i feel now. It went how i pretty much expected it to. No more freakiness. We're going to see eachother less also because he thinks it will make it easier. He says that we tried it my way for a little while, and now we're going to try something new. Something in between his and my way. We will still see eachother, and we can talk, just not as much as we have been for the past few weeks. He loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me. He's not ready for a relationship, and i understand. He wants to focus on his career and i still need to focus on my schooling. Ya know... i figured thats how it would go. But you know, i'm not any sadder. I'm not happier either but i will get better. He said that he doesn't want to be in any kind of a relationship with anyone but when he is ready, i'm first in line.  That makes me happier than anything else. He doesn't want me to say that i won't move on between now and that time, and i won't say it either. Maybe i will. I doubt it though. If it's a guy that helps me move on, he will have to be one heck of a guy because i'm certainly not going to lower my standards. And if i move on by myself, it doesn't mean we can't start something new together. So, i'm confident in my future. I'm going to school. Getting a job. Starting my life.
And then one day...
Well, one day. | | |
| Ok. So, it's been a long time. Instead of explaining, i'm just going to jump right into it.I miss my baby.... I've been trying to write down my thoughts for a long time and right now i'm blanking out so it might all just come pouring out while i type.I am so miserable without him. I thought that i wanted to break up and experience all these other things. But there's nothing out there like him. Mike and Jon? I don't think so. They were just replacements. And now that i don't want to have anything to do with any other guy, i know it's Andrew who i want in my life. I would do anything in the world for that man. I was afraid of all those changes going on with both of us. I've always been terrified of changes with us. But i know now that it's not a bad thing. Yeah, i've said that before but i never fully understood that. I was afraid of the lull our relationship was in but now, i know we would have come out of that lull in no time. I found those text messages and my mind jumped to the worse thing. But what else would i have thought? "We should go in the jacuzzi again. The guys are taking a nap." And other things like that. The night we broke up, before it happened, he goes to his house and he tells me he's coming right back and calls me half an hour later telling me he's talking to his sister. And then 30 minutes later he calls to tell me he has a call and he isn't home until an hour later. He says that he had to transport the guy all the way down to key west. Then when i find those text messages later that night, one says "I'll be at the house in 20 minutes." So, i'm thinking he lied so he could stay at the house. I really don't care. I just want him back.I don't know how to play that game. The game where i pretend not to care and i just don't go out of my way to talk to him and he'll eventually come back. I don't know how to do that. I am hurting so bad having to sit here and wait. I was thinking that i would do the "ultimatum" thing that he did to me. Would that work? Either he tells me he wants to be with me by a certain date or i can't see him anymore or talk or anything. But that wouldn't work. It would be an idle threat. I could never not see him anymore. It would kill me.I know what we would need to do. When we are together, the reasons why our relationship changes is because we hold eachother so close and we don't give eachother room to breathe. We could be together and as long as we don't fall into the usual "living with eachother" thing, we should be perfectly fine. We love eachother that much and we want to be close to eachother all the time, but we're young and we can't suffocate eachother like that or we eventually want to fight back and struggle against eachother. We can make it through anything. I know our love is strong enough. There isn't anyone else i want to be with more. There never has been.Brittiney says "Once you've been with that person and you can tell that they're "the one", none of your relationships afterwards will never feel that way." And i believe her. She's with a wonderful guy right now but she still can't help thinking "What if..." and i don't want to end up thinking that. I don't want to be with someone and still be thinking about Andrew because it's really him that i want to be with.He says that he would die for me like i would do for him. If he would give up his life for me, wouldn't he be willing to give up single life for a just as happy life with me? I know we were always happy. We had our problems but they never effected our feelings for eachother. We've both made our mistakes and even if we haven't gotten over them, we've forgiven eachother for them. He knew he made a mistake before when he hurt me and he did all the things he did. I knew what he had done and i forgave him. Eventually, he came to know that he wanted to be with me. I was skeptical about it. Not just because of Mike, but because i was afraid to trust him with my heart again. I was very hurt. But i accepted him back into my life and i was still so happy. I was still afraid for a while but eventually, that feeling went away and it was wonderful to be with him and know how much i really loved him and i wanted to be with him.Would he do that for me? Would he give me another chance to prove to him how happy we are and could be now that we know what we would need to do.I would only ask very little of him. All i would want is:To be his one and onlyTreat me how he would want to be treatedStick up for me (mostly when it comes to his family, because they all hate me except Scotty)And finally, love me.His brother Steve hates me. Well, i don't know about hate but he doesn't like me or my family. He doesn't understand us. Is it just me or does it seem a little odd that everytime he brings people into his house, something happens with Andrew. I know that Andrew didn't cheat on me with Seabiscuit but she was trying to get him to do things. He has girls parading in and out of that house every chance he gets. Well, actually, it's more like his... i had to stop myself. I was going to say something very mean. But she is. Actually, it's more like Angela who brings those girls into the house. And fucking horse-face is married. Andrew should have known better to mess with a girl like that. Well, he knows that. I don't know details about what happened, and i don't know if i want to know. But thats off the subject.I don't know what to do. I just want another chance to prove to him that a relationship doesn't have to hold us back from doing what we want to do. I remember we sat in the car and he cried and begged for me to give him another chance. I feel that he meant everything he said. So, if i showed him how miserable i really am, would he see what i saw in him and would he take me back? Would he? Because i am so sad with out him. I feel like my heart is breaking more and more everyday. He once wrote "Everyday that i wake up the sun is brighter because i am with you." I still have the note. My mornings when i wake up and look out the window aren't beautiful and bright anymore.With him, everything feels right. The other day, i was sitting on the rocks watching a sunset and it was very pretty. But i wasn't happy. Not until Andrew was behind me with his arms around me. I sit around listening to country music all the time. I start crying out of no where. I've been crying the whole time i've been typing this. I am in a hole. I can't see my hand in front of me. I can't see it. I don't know what i would do with out him. I see my whole future with him and without him in my life, i see darkness because i just don't know whats ahead of me. So, i can't see anything thats ahead of me and i'm look back and i'm tripping over things that are coming at me. My schooling, my family... I feel like i have to keep sleeping with him to keep him in my life but i feel that if i stop, he will stop coming around. And thats not the kind of person he is. If he did that, then that would mean that he's just using me. And he told me the other night that that is not what he's doing at all. And i believe him. I just want him to know how lost i am without him. So, the question is, if i stop sleeping with him, will he stop coming around? Will he stop wanting to see me and everything? It seems to me that thats how it will be... and he says that he's not using me. Well, if i told him that we aren't going to have sex anymore, whats going to happen? Does he want to have sex with me because he knows while i'm having sex with him, i won't have to look somewhere else? Because i'd be perfectly fine with that. I don't want anyone else but him. Does he want me all to himself? Because he can have me. He can have all of me.He is starting this whole new career, as an EMT. And i can tell it's already wearing him down. Without someone to support him, and help him bear the stress of this job... i don't know. His family is supporting him but i want to be someone who supports him. I want to be the one he comes to when he's seen something really horrible and he just needs someone to hold him or when he needs someone to talk to. I want to be that person. Mommy says that the Hero thing eventually wears off and when it does, he'll need a base to come back to. And i pray everyday that that will be me.
And i know it's petty, but it pisses me off that he's erased me from his myspace again. Even though he says that i am his best friend, and i am important to him. He says it's because i might scare off people that he might want to talk to. BS! Guys stay friends with their Ex's all the time! I don't leave mushy comments. When i leave him a comment, it's something friendly. I just feel unimportant to him. I feel like a secret. He can sleep with me but he can't let people know we still talk and we're still friends. That really hurts.
Baby, i will probably get you to read this. Whenever i have something on my mind, and i want to talk to you about it, i usually forget things that i want to say. I see you and they just fly out of my head. I end up tripping up what i mean to say and i just don't get everything out.
All i want from you is another chance. I gave you that chance. Don't let me hurt anymore. I will eventually get to that point where i will give you that ultimatum. And i really don't want to. It's my last resort. Even if it is an idle threat. I could never carry it out. I would never want you out of my life.
It isn't fair. I'll always be here for you when you need me. I'll always welcome you with arms wide open. I just want to feel that i will be welcomed the same way....
Something else to think about. If i died tomorrow, would you regret not being with me? If i died tomorrow, could you live the rest of your life knowing you lost "the one" and truly be able to be happy? I know that if you died, a piece of me would die with you and i know there would always be a piece of my heart missing. Just thinking about it hurts so much...
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| I haven't really been keeping up with writing in here for the past week. I'm letting the depression swallow me whole. Ungh... I just wanna be with my baby again and know what it feels like to go through a whole day without hurting and crying. I wanna feel his hands on me again. Just a touch here and there or a hug. I loved being held in his arms. I loved sitting on the couch and holding hands and eating dinner. I loved laying in my bed before i went to sleep and just cuddling and talking and goofing around. Playing "The Game". I loved playing "the game" with him. I just miss spending time with him and being able to do everything and say anything. I can't live without him. I can live but i don't want to and it won't be really living anyway. If you really love someone, you can't really live your life without them in it. It hurts not to know... things... I'm not going to get into them now because it would take me an hour to type and i don't have that much time right now. | | |
| Don't let yourself fall too hard for someone. I did and look where it got me. That's my advice for all of you who are in love.
I never expected to love him so much. I really didn't. I came into this relationship a little scared and shy because it was my first relationship. I didn't know what to expect but i didn't expect this. I didn't expect to fall in love so fast and so hard. He opened me to loving him this much. I didn't tell him that i loved him when i knew it because i didn't want to scare him away. So i waited until he said it. I didn't expect much even then but he gave me so much that i let myself hope. He opened me to feelings i didn't know i could feel. I saw that he was giving this relationship all he could so i let myself do the same. I fell so hard. We went so fast. Maybe too fast. He tricked me. He promised so much and it was all wonderful. But then this happened. It hurts so bad to not know if i'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to so badly. He told me he wanted to always be with me and always make me happy. Has he forgotten these things? Was i really that bad? Did i really make this relationship so fucked up that he didn't even want to try anymore? Has he forgotten everything he's ever said to me. I thought he would always keep every promise. I never expected to have it end so i never prepared myself for the possibility. That is why it's taking so much out of me.
I understand completely that... i don't know. I just understand why we should do this. We need time to learn to be ourselves. To be dependant on ourselves. Or thats what i need to learn. I think maybe he's doing this to teach me to be independant and he really does want to be with me but he doesn't see any other way to help me except doing this... I don't know. But i know that we went too fast. We spent every night together for like 3 months. When Summer started, i wanted to be with him every night because i was alone all day. That's probably why it happened this summer. He felt too trapped by me and it just kept building up until he couldn't take it anymore. I don't know. I know if i was in school, i wouldn't have been like that. If only i could have stepped back and realized what i was doing and how it was affecting him. But whenever he was around me, he seemed normal and happy like he always was. I just was so blind and i wish now that i wasn't. I could still be with him right now if i only understood that he needs his own time and that i couldn't always be with him. If only i understood how to deal with what he's going through without making him feel boxed in. If only...
I can't do anything about it now. I wish i could. I wish i could make him understand that if he came back to me, i could be better in all the right places. I wouldn't do what i did. I know i could do it. I just want to know he's mine and always will be. Thats all i want. That's all. It's whats killing me inside. That i love him so much and i don't know if he's ever going to be mine again. I can't be sure how he feels about me anymore and it tears me up inside. It tears me up so bad. | | |
| I feel so hungry but i never eat. I don't need food. I need him. But don't worry. I force myself to eat enough to keep me healthy. But i am always hungry. And i am always hurting. I look different too. I don't smile. Once in a while, my mom or dad make me smile or laugh but it's just there for a second and then it's gone and i'm sad again. Only 2 things will help me right now. Having the real Andrew back, or time. And if it ends up being the 2nd, i'm telling you right now, it's going to be alot of time and i won't ever be the same Jordan again. Maybe on the outside i will seem ok, but i will never really be ok again unless i'm with him.
It's his fault. He promised me too much. He told me too much about how our future might be. It was like he was holding my hand to keep me from falling and all of a sudden, he just let go. He just let go and everything was gone and i still want it all so badly. I can not see myself in 50 years without him. I want my Lily with him and i want to move to a beautiful place with him and have the house we always talked about. I want to walk down the isle with my father and see Andrew standing at the alter with a big smile on his face. I want to hear the words "I do" and i want to be carried into our hotel suite during our honeymoon. I want to cook him breakfast and lay in bed with him on Sundays. I want it all and i want it with him only. I always told him i was afraid i would have to settle for some 2nd rate jerk but then i found him and i was so happy. I am so happy just thinking about all of those things. And then i remember. I might not have them.
I might not ever have them. And it kills me. | | |
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